The Random Bibliophile

by Renee Alexis

Renee Alexis
26, filipina, an introvert who loves young adult fantasy, brush pens, Taylor Swift, and Mobile Legends. Coffee runs in my bloodstream.

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My Mind Knows No Chill

Renee Alexis Desk

I've been doing a lot of thinking nowadays. It's what occupies my time most of the day, that even when I'm working or I'm on my phone, my brain is in constant work - thinking about a lot of things, and sometimes, all at once. My mind knows no chill and it gets overwhelming.

I think about the current events and about the lives of people affected by the pandemic. I lurk on Twitter and read about what the people are saying, their thoughts about the still on-going pandemic, and how our government has been handling this issue. Seven months and still this health crisis is still on the run. We've all been stuck in our homes for half of the year now, and yet I still don't see a light at the end of this eerie tunnel. Are we close to decreasing the curve? I don't think so. I admit I've stopped reading the news, I've stopped learning more about what's been happening, I chose to shut out the outside world and concentrate on my family and on what's happening in our town. 

I think about my friends who are far from my reach. How are they doing? How have they been coping with the pandemic? 

I think about my younger siblings and their defective education. You have to admit the style of teaching and education today is not what it was before. My siblings are in their first year of senior high and are confined to learning all their lessons at home. Modules are released every week and they were supposed to study it by themselves. The good thing is I'm home and I can help them with their lessons when they have things they can't understand by themselves, but what about the other kids who don't have anyone to help them? One issue that aggravated me so much was the fact that their teachers were always unavailable to answer their student's questions. What's the point of having all these Messenger groups when at the time of asking, the teachers aren't able to entertain the students??? It pisses me off because these supposedly "teachers" aren't being teachers at all.  

I think about how my cousins have looked different now that they have become mothers. I have a cousin who is just 3 months older than me and I feel that she has grown up light years older than me now that she has an infant. The way she thinks, the way she talks, her priorities, her perceived thoughts. Everything has changed, even her stance and attitude. I guess motherhood changes you, if not completely, then most of you. 

I think about my mom and pray that her health is strong to weather this pandemic scare. Everyone in the house is in a panic, although we were all trying to calm down. I feel the need to be strong right now for my younger siblings and so I do my own thing to cope up. We all have our own coping mechanisms and I think my dad and grandmom are doing their own thing, too.

I think about my future, about my plans and dreams, about my career. I think about what I'm going to do in the next two years. I think about how I would go about my career and my finances. I'm still undecided if I should go back to Dubai, though I still have until December to think about it, so I guess I still have time to make up my mind. The possibilities of what I can do are countless though there's a lot of things to consider. My age for one; I'm not getting any younger and I fear that my days of experimenting are reaching the end and I have to think of a more concrete plan to ensure my stability if I am to provide for my family. Most of my idle time is spent thinking about how to generate more income so I can do more of the things I love without having to sacrifice other things. This is the one thing that stresses me out, especially with the uncertainty this pandemic brought. All in due time, right?

I think about how I'm sitting on my own desk right now as I'm typing this post. I now have my own designated workspace, I'm sipping cheap coffee and I'm turning the pages of my bullet journal, my books surrounding me, housed in their new homes (I have bookshelves and a book cart now!), with Edith Piaf singing in the background. I think about how I only used to dream about having all of these. I look at what I've built in front of me and I feel overflowing gratitude that what once was just a dream, is now a reality.

So you see, I wasn't exaggerating when I said I was thinking a lot of things. It gets exhausting, but I guess this is just how my mind works. I can hardly stay idle because staying idle means entertaining all these overwhelming thoughts. That's why I cope up by doing a lot of things just to silence my noisy brain. Sometimes it's enough, but there are times that my thoughts eat me up. Still, I've grown used to it and it's been cathartic to let some of these things out here.

Today was a slow day. The first one I've had since I got to come home. Usually, my Saturdays and Sundays are hectic, though not the kind that I used to have when I was back in Dubai. This weekend is just different. I was able to do things I enjoyed, I finished a series, I finished a book and started a new one, I listened to music I like, I drank my fill of coffee, and even blog-hopped. 

I think I should end my post here. If you've reached this end, wow, thank you for reading my incoherent thoughts! And welcome to this side of my brain. Till my next thought vomits, bye! xx


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