It's been a month since I last posted here and while I've made it a goal to write a blog at least 4 times a month, my words have been failing me. I've zoned out again. I thought that I was getting better but I spiraled down again and well, I've been fighting so hard ever since to defeat the anxiety that is my life right now. Today, though, I think I'm in an okay state of mind and so I opened my laptop to do some video editing (because I have been making my youtube alive) and now that I'm done editing the video I am going to upload tonight, I decided to write here on my blog while it's rendering.

I've been doing fine for the past few days. And I mean, really fine and not just telling myself that I'm fine. I haven't cried for the past eleven days and this is such a huge improvement. A couple of weeks ago, I broke down again and suffered several anxiety and panic attacks. There was one solid week last month when I had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, and I think that particular week, I just had 2 to 3 hours of sleep every day. It affected my job because I was tired and sleepy all day and all I wanted to do was go home and lie in my bed. The problem was that every time I try to sleep, my mind tends to go into hyperdrive and I had palpitations. I decided to stop drinking coffee that week but it didn't help. Once, I stayed up till 4 in the morning trying to fall asleep. I did everything, I meditated, did breathing exercises, I read a book hoping it will make me sleepy. The last resort I did was pray the rosary. Thank God that worked. I was the definition of tired that time - emotionally and mentally drained. It became tougher when I had my PMS as the emotional turmoil I was experiencing became two times worse.

I thought I was done for... but I kept going on day by day because I didn't have any other choice. Taking my own life was out of the question, but I admit it did come to my mind several times. It would be better to just end it all, once and for all. The pain, the hurt, the anxiety, the sadness, the homesickness, everything. I sure hope I'm past those thoughts today. It's been tough, the toughest year I've had but as one friend said to me, pain is only temporary. I just have to get through it. It may seem impossible but I've been reminded time and time again that I will prevail. It may seem that it's the end of the world but the truth is, it's only the end of one chapter in my book of life.

I will continue to fight through this, whatever this is. Even if sometimes I do not know what I was fighting for anymore. Even if sometimes I'm tired of it all. Even if sometimes, the world has become ten times heavier. I will fight because there's no other option but.

On the other hand, all depressing talks aside, I've been reviving my youtube channel and I've been uploading videos every week since last month. I have a bunch of old videos that I have yet to edit and upload but I am also making new ones and I've recently created a new series, my Dubai Diaries. I decided I want to film and document my life here in Dubai so that my family can know how I'm doing here. I just found out how much memories a video can retain and so I've been learning to be more comfortable in front of the camera to make these videos.