The Random Bibliophile

by Renee Alexis

Renee Alexis
20-something Filipina, an introvert who loves young adult fiction, brush pens, Taylor Swift, and BTS. Coffee runs in my bloodstream.

Follow

2021 Reading Challenge

2021 Reading Challenge
Renee Alexis has read 0 books toward her goal of 50 books.
hide

Marriage? Kids? Starting a Family? FOMO is Real

FOMO is Real | Renee Alexis

There are times when I find myself in a hole wallowing in self-doubt and self-pity because life is just not perfect and no matter how hard I strive, it will never turn out the way I've always imagined it to be. I've been around the brighter side the past few weeks and I thought it was going to be smooth-sailing from then on. I guess there will always be a balance in life. Because no matter how happy we've become, there will always come a time when we'll feel all the sensitivities that we've been avoiding.

I'm surrounded by family these days and whenever my cousins visit with their babies, I always notice how my parent's faces brighten up. Whenever these visits end, my parents would always joke about me having a kid of my own already so that they'll have a grandkid they can spoil and take care of - to which I would always retort with the phrase "give me a husband first". We'd just laugh it off and proceed with life as if nothing happened. I've been home for half a year now and you'd think that I'd get used to this but little do they know that this thought lingers in my mind a bit longer than I make it seem to.

I always dread whenever there's a family gathering because I know this will be the very first thing my aunts will talk to me about. Should I plaster a sign of "Single and Happy" on my forehead to tell them bluntly that I am not in need of a boyfriend right now? Why is it hard to believe that I am actually happy with my life? Despite not being voiced out, I know they've thought of comparing me to my cousins who have families of their own. It's sad really, to having kids being a sign of success in being a woman. What would they think of me when they find out that I don't want kids at all?

I'm 27 and I'm not getting any younger. My aunts told me the train would be leaving soon and that I should catch up so I won't be left behind. But what does being left behind even mean? Does not having a baby make me less of a woman? Does not having a family of my own makes me miss out on what life is truly about? 

Maybe in the old days having a husband and kid equates to being a successful adult woman, that being in charge of a household means taking hold of your life and making it more meaningful. Will my life not be as meaningful if I choose to live it in my own way rather than following in the steps of an ancient book of beliefs and tradition? Will I forever be labeled as the girl who followed in the footsteps of her unmarried aunt? 

I've really made up my mind about not having kids a few years ago, but talks like these make me doubt my life choices. Am I being selfish? Am I being too greedy? Am I disconnected from reality? Am I too ambitious?

It's been a cycle, yet I always come out stronger with the same opinion. It's just that sometimes, I can't help but feel that I'm missing out because I'm not doing the "usual" things a woman my age is supposed to be doing. 

We all have timelines of our own, and I have believed in this since I was in college. I guess I'll just have to let time take its flow. And I shall flow with it. xx


Follow

Comments

Contact Form