The Random Bibliophile

by Renee Alexis

Renee Alexis
20-something Filipina, an introvert who loves young adult fiction, brush pens, Taylor Swift, and BTS. Coffee runs in my bloodstream.

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2021 Reading Challenge

2021 Reading Challenge
Renee Alexis has read 0 books toward her goal of 50 books.
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Marriage? Kids? Starting a Family? FOMO is Real

FOMO is Real | Renee Alexis

There are times when I find myself in a hole wallowing in self-doubt and self-pity because life is just not perfect and no matter how hard I strive, it will never turn out the way I've always imagined it to be. I've been around the brighter side the past few weeks and I thought it was going to be smooth-sailing from then on. I guess there will always be a balance in life. Because no matter how happy we've become, there will always come a time when we'll feel all the sensitivities that we've been avoiding.

I'm surrounded by family these days and whenever my cousins visit with their babies, I always notice how my parent's faces brighten up. Whenever these visits end, my parents would always joke about me having a kid of my own already so that they'll have a grandkid they can spoil and take care of - to which I would always retort with the phrase "give me a husband first". We'd just laugh it off and proceed with life as if nothing happened. I've been home for half a year now and you'd think that I'd get used to this but little do they know that this thought lingers in my mind a bit longer than I make it seem to.

I always dread whenever there's a family gathering because I know this will be the very first thing my aunts will talk to me about. Should I plaster a sign of "Single and Happy" on my forehead to tell them bluntly that I am not in need of a boyfriend right now? Why is it hard to believe that I am actually happy with my life? Despite not being voiced out, I know they've thought of comparing me to my cousins who have families of their own. It's sad really, to having kids being a sign of success in being a woman. What would they think of me when they find out that I don't want kids at all?

I'm 27 and I'm not getting any younger. My aunts told me the train would be leaving soon and that I should catch up so I won't be left behind. But what does being left behind even mean? Does not having a baby make me less of a woman? Does not having a family of my own makes me miss out on what life is truly about? 

Maybe in the old days having a husband and kid equates to being a successful adult woman, that being in charge of a household means taking hold of your life and making it more meaningful. Will my life not be as meaningful if I choose to live it in my own way rather than following in the steps of an ancient book of beliefs and tradition? Will I forever be labeled as the girl who followed in the footsteps of her unmarried aunt? 

I've really made up my mind about not having kids a few years ago, but talks like these make me doubt my life choices. Am I being selfish? Am I being too greedy? Am I disconnected from reality? Am I too ambitious?

It's been a cycle, yet I always come out stronger with the same opinion. It's just that sometimes, I can't help but feel that I'm missing out because I'm not doing the "usual" things a woman my age is supposed to be doing. 

We all have timelines of our own, and I have believed in this since I was in college. I guess I'll just have to let time take its flow. And I shall flow with it. xx


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