The Random Bibliophile

by Renee Alexis

Renee Alexis
20-something Filipina, an introvert who loves young adult fiction, brush pens, Taylor Swift, and BTS. Coffee runs in my bloodstream.

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2021 Reading Challenge
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On Love and Marriage

Growing up, I've always dreamed of finding a person who will love me and who I will love. A few years and a few gut-wrenching heartbreaks later, I am still that girl. 

In this week's podcast episode, I talked about my views on love and marriage, and how I'm waiting for both while being happy and contented living a single life for the time being. ~

I am the typical girl who had dreams of finding my happily ever after when I reach adulthood and this is extremely influenced by all the Disney movies I consumed as a kid - giving me fairytale endings after fairytales endings. True love and prince charming and happy-go-lucky sidekicks who will always have your back no matter what. Maybe this is also why I have always viewed life on a positive note when I was growing up. I was cheery and I always viewed the glass half full, thinking that everything happens for a reason and good things will always come after the bad ones.

I found and lost love a couple of times and now, I've been single for the past 3 years. I've always kept to myself most of the time. Meeting new people scared me and thinking about it now gives me a sense of being frightened that I may never find someone again who will be a lifetime partner. given that I'm just stuck at home because of this COVID pandemic dilemma.

For the past year, I've seen high school and college friends get engaged, get married, and had babies more than I can count on my fingers. Photos of prenups and babies, and SDE wedding videos took up most of my feed leading me to wonder when will I ever have my turn to have these momentous events in my life.

After my last breakup, it took me some time to reorganize my life and find myself. I know that sounds so dramatic but the trauma that breakup left me was something I didn't expect I couldn't handle. I did things I never thought I would do. When you get hurt by someone you loved and trusted for so many years, you'd forget about your pride and dignity and just grovel at their feet, begging for them to take you back. When I realized that that was futile, I had to do major life changes that resulted in experiences I never would have gotten if it wasn't for that heartbreak. 

Fast forward to 3 years later and here I am, sitting on my wonderfully decorated desk, looking at the photos of these cute AF bangtan boys that have been giving me joy the past couple of months, sipping coffee, and recording this podcast. Life definitely has its twists and turns, and it has certainly taught me so many valuable lessons that I have taken to heart to enjoy what more it has to bring.

I've wanted to talk about this topic since I started this podcast. My best friend and I often have scattered discussions about this matter and it got me into thinking that it's time to talk about it here. 

I have big dreams and plans and if it wasn't for this covid shit, I wouldn't be in this country right now. Marriage has been the farthest thing in my mind until my aunts and relatives ask me the dreaded questions. 

"When are you getting married? When are you gonna give your parents grandkids? You're not getting any younger. You should find yourself a man and make use of your uterus." 

I couldn't count how many times I've rolled my eyes and groaned inwardly whenever this happened. 

I have no problem at all with women who choose to marry early and have kids, have a family. I just don't belong in that bubble. And I don't get why and how that until this day, in this part of the world, it's still taboo for women to say that they're happy being single in their late twenties with no actual plans yet of getting hitched and having buns in the oven. And what's even worse is that I am being compared to a lot of people. I'm being compared to my cousins who are my age who already have a family of their own. Every time there's a family gathering when I am playing with my nieces, there was not a time that I wasn't asked about my love life. 

I'm being compared to an aunt who never got married as if that is a bad thing. 

"Oh, you're gonna be just like your Tita Giging who's in the States without a husband or family. You're gonna end up alone." 

As if she didn't make that choice consciously and as if choosing to be alone is a bad thing. If I won't meet someone I like, I would rather be alone. I don't get these mindsets, really. It's all very old-fashioned and at a time like this, if you are a thinking person, you wouldn't want to just dash into these things unplanned. Getting married is not a joke, having a baby is a commitment I don't think I can do that right now.

Just like Katy Perry's words in the past, "I'm still a baby, and a baby cannot have a baby." And I think I am at that stage in life.

I'm not taking myself off the pool. I am very open to mingling with like-minded people. It just so happened that I don't meet any people at all these days. While others are busy getting engaged and getting married, I'm busy watching BTS contents and taking photos of my books and watercolor artworks. But that doesn't mean that I'm closing the doors to love. I am waiting eagerly for this love and I know that it will come to me if it's meant to come to me. I have trust in the Lord that everything in my life has been planned by Him. And while I'm in this waiting season, I don't see why I shouldn't enjoy the perks of being single. 

There are so many things I want to do and accomplish and I'm doing that while I'm in the waiting season. Until then, I'll be happy and contented with my life and what I have. I'm a big believer in fate and destiny. And what's meant for me will come, eventually.

If you are someone like me who is being pressured about marriage and starting a family, I hope you know that you are not required to oblige them. Just keep doing what makes you happy. That is, after all, the point of life. To find happiness. Byeeeee ~

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