The Random Bibliophile

by Renee Alexis

Renee Alexis
20-something Filipina, an introvert who loves young adult fiction, brush pens, Taylor Swift, and BTS. Coffee runs in my bloodstream.

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2022 Reading Challenge

2022 Reading Challenge
Renee Alexis has read 2 books toward her goal of 20 books.
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Life Lately | The Last Quarter of 2021

Life Lately | The Last Quarter of 2021

It's the last month of the year and it just struck me that 2021 is ending soon. When I try to look back to how my year went, it felt kinda nonexistent because really, I was just at home 95% of the time. The only time I ever got to go out was when I went to Iligan City last October to attend a close friend's wedding. It was a long-overdue break from being trapped in the four corners of my room for a year. It was such a relief.

Somehow, this pandemic we're still in after 2 years now has really affected my mental health tremendously. I tried so many things to cope up with the stress. I never really thought that trying to cover up the anxiety and dread I've been feeling would be this exhausting. I was bordering going over the edge the whole year and it finally caught up on me. 

It's exhausting to feel so much. I thought having this much emotion is normal, but then it gets overwhelming. It wasn't like this before. I try so hard to feel okay because I just don't think it's normal to have this much noise in my head. I'm not even sure what I'm typing right now, I guess I'm just letting my hands go with the flow with what it wants to say.

I feel like drowning and my chest feels like exploding. It's suffocating and sometimes I just want everything to stop. For everything to become quiet. I play music loud enough just so I wouldn't hear my never-ending thoughts bouncing inside my head. I distract myself with stories just so I won't have to deal with my real life. I watch BTS videos to feel a fiber of happiness. But at the end of the day, when I lie in bed and close my eyes, the dread comes crashing, and sleep almost never comes. 

I only get five hours of sleep at most every day now. I will myself to sleep every night but I spend an hour or so quieting down my thoughts by making up stories upon stories to tire out my overthinking brain. I'm surprised I still wake up every morning with energy to spare for the whole day. 

I have the urge to vomit but nothing comes out. Sometimes, I get a strong desire to go somewhere far away to escape. Escape from what, you ask? I don't even know that myself. Maybe from responsibilities? From people? From my thoughts and emotions? From myself?

Funny how this anxiety has really tried to latch up on me. When I first met it several years ago, I thought it was gonna go away eventually. But I realized it will always be there at the recesses of my mind, waiting for a moment of weakness to attack once again. 

I tried to get help, but at the last minute I chickened out. I guess I'm still in denial because I can't accept it in myself that I need help to battle these ugly things in my mind. 

I'm sorry if you had to read all of those in this post. I know my previous life lately posts have been upbeat and positive. I just can't pull that part of myself now as I type this. And there's really nothing going on in my life that's worth sharing anyway, so I guess there's that.

Anyway, if you're still reading, thanks, I guess? I don't mean to dump all of these things to you, but I just really wanted to get these thoughts out of my head.

I hope you're doing better than I am. xx

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