Sometimes, I don't understand myself. One moment I'm all good and smiling, having fun with what I was doing, and then the next, I'm wallowing in self-doubt and self-incriminating thoughts. So many fears run around my mind, so many ugly thoughts and I just want everything to stop and shut down. 

It always happens when I least expect it. I was okay a week ago, I was thriving and I was feeling so much happiness. Maybe I was just too happy that this was bound to happen? This is the one thing that always keeps me from having too much fun. Because I know, one day, this sadness, this anxiety is going to creep up on me and just fuck me over once again.

Will you believe me if I tell you I'm typing this post under the table? Yep. I'm dramatic like that. I just felt like going under the table, wallowing in these negative thoughts and then I just thought, hey, why not also type up something on my long abandoned blog while I'm at it? That'll be the icing on the cupcake! Pathetic.

I was supposed to make a life lately blog post, you know? I was thinking about it all weekend but never got to do it. I always ask what's wrong with myself because clearly, a normal person wouldn't have such ugly thoughts like mine. A normal person wouldn't have a roller coaster of emotions like I do. A normal person won't have severe mood swings like me. Do you want to know what's funnier? I'm playing a Lauv song. Talk about depressing. 

Is this what my life will be like? I wonder if someone will ever understand and get me, because so far, I only have writing to turn to when I experience this down. Heavy sigh. Okay bye, I'm gonna cry now. JK. x