I've been putting this blog post off for so many times already thinking that maybe, things will get better later on. But it didn't and the year is ending and so I decided to push myself to write something because I just need to let some things off my chest. There are so many things running inside my head and okay, where do I start...

2018 began great. In January, I greeted the year with my family, and Jethro and I celebrated our fourth year anniversary. I got the chance to experience Sinulog in Cebu for the first time with my friends, and I was also hired to work in a government office. I was doing great, juggling 3 jobs at the time - being an office girl, a freelance writer, and an entrepreneur. I was motivated and inspired to live my life. February came and it was okay and so was the first half of March. The second half was when all my troubles began. Little did I know, it would just go downhill from there.

The fights began and so much tension was formed. I don't want to go into details because they're just too painful to recollect but I really had a hard time when Jethro started becoming cold and indifferent. We tried to work things out, I planned out a beach trip for us last May because I thought it was what we needed. The chance to explore a new place and relax and rekindle our relationship. I thought we were going to be okay. A lot has happened the following months after and my worst fear happened in the last week of July. Looking back, I remember August being the month when I just cried every single day. There wasn't a day that goes by that I wasn't in pain. I remember not going out of bed for 2 whole days, I didn't eat anything, I just stared up at the ceiling and cried.

In the following months, I tried and tried again to get back together with him. I would go out of my way just to see him whenever he's in town. I would send him text messages and chats in the hopes that he would reply and come see me and realize that he still wants me in his life. Little did I know that I was just chasing the wind.

It's really hard, you know? When you have prepared yourself to spend and give your life to someone and then all of the sudden, he just changed his mind. There were days that I didn't want to go to sleep because whenever I close my eyes, I am haunted by his memories. And in every waking hour, I always ask the Lord why I'm still alive. Mornings are the hardest because whenever I open my eyes, the fact remains that I was left and that I'd have to go on living life as if it didn't happen. I was still expected to work, to eat, to talk to people, to smile in front of my family, to do normal things I usually do when all I just wanted then was for everything to stop, or at least, my life.

It was in October that I made the decision to leave. I was dying. Everything I see around me reminds me of him. Every place I went to reminds me of all the good times we had. Everything I did makes me want to talk to him and it was just so hard. Even my home reminded me of us. I had to leave because if I didn't, I don't know what would have become of me today. I wanted to escape and start anew. There was just something holding me back. If I would really leave, he would really forget me. The day of my flight approaches as days passed by but I still continued chasing him. Hoping and praying that our relationship can still be fixed. We got back together but I knew he just did it out of pity because I was a mess. I ignored that and just hoped for the best. I lengthened my patience and understanding but since then, I knew it was just temporary and it was doomed to fail. I knew that even if I did everything, we still wouldn't work out in the long run.

I flew to Dubai in November and I had a hard time in my first month here. I was thankful that he was still there so I got through. But I was just kidding myself because we were truly a lost cause. The Lord knows my struggle and how I really wanted our relationship to work. I prayed and fought hard for our relationship. I prayed and fought so hard for him. But it wasn't enough. I was just not enough. He broke up with me, once and for all, three days before Christmas and I felt my whole world shatter. I was deafened, literally, by the pain. I felt the finality of it all, I felt that this was really it, this was the end of the line. I finally felt the exhaustion. I felt tired because I was the only one left fighting for the relationship we once had. I finally felt tired after fighting for the relationship that we could have had. That even though I gave my all, it would not still be enough. The level of self-pity I experienced this year was monumental, I questioned my worth countless times and it was just the worst.

The pain I experienced this year changed me a lot. The anxiety I experienced skyrocketed. The pain broke me in every single way it could break a person. And I will never wish anyone to experience what went I through. The bubbly and positive Renee has vanished. Maybe, for now, I don't know. Through it all, I am thankful still. I'm thankful that the Lord has never left my side. He was there since the very beginning and he was there when I was at my lowest. I wouldn't be where I am without Him. I will also always be thankful for the friends He gave me who went through with me in this painful ride. 

To those friends who became my emotional supports, who listened to my pain while I was crying, to those who drank with me when I wanted to drown my sorrows, to those friends who came along with me when I wanted to sing my cares and frustrations away, to those friends who made me laugh despite what I was going through, to those friends who lent me their shoulders so I could just cry, to those who adopted me to their homes when I wanted to go out of my hive, to those who hugged me and cried with me, I couldn't put into words how much you all mean to me and how grateful I am to have you and call you my friends. Thank you for being one of the reasons why I am still breathing. 2018 may have scarred me so deep but despite everything, my heart is still beating.