The Random Bibliophile

by Renee Alexis

Renee Alexis
20-something Filipina, an introvert who loves young adult fiction, brush pens, Taylor Swift, and BTS. Coffee runs in my bloodstream.


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2023 Reading Challenge

2023 Reading Challenge
Renee Alexis has read 0 books toward her goal of 30 books.

What Keeps Me Going?

What Keeps Me Going?
The start of 2017 was awesome for me. I got to travel with my family to my mother's hometown and celebrated my birthday there, I quit my corporate job to pursue online freelancing and blogging, I started working out and boxing, I got to travel with friends and had a really great time, and I finally let my old laptop retire. I was aiming to get all of my goals done by the end of the year. I was happy and excited to let the year unfold with great hopes and expectations. Life was going well at the start, but after some time, it just went downhill. I don't recall when it started, I just know that 2017 wasn't my year either.

As I grew up and matured, I oftentimes find myself reminiscing about the past and simply wishing for things to be easier like it was before. I have reached the point in my life where I can truly say that adult-ing is no easy feat. It's a bitch and honestly speaking, I am having a hard time adjusting to it.

Life was going well until I made a turn and lost track of what I was aiming for this year. I didn't update and improve my blog anymore like I used to last year, I stopped going to the gym to box, I stopped jogging, and I struggled so hard that there was a moment when I just wanted it all to end.

My anxiety came back and then life was not that great anymore. I tried to conjure my positive self who never once had a problem seeing a glass half-full. But I realized that no matter how hard I tried to bring myself to see the positive sides of things, it just all becomes so tiring sometimes. There came a point in my life that I just felt indifferent, that I just wanted to do nothing, that I just wanted it all to end and to just give it all up. I went back to that horrid place where thoughts like "What do I do now? and "Where will I be in the next 5 years?" and "Who will I be in the future?" swam tirelessly.

Can my life get any worse than it is now? I hope not. It's hard enough to have to live with these thoughts constantly reminding me that I'm not good enough, it would be harder if it goes up to a higher notch.

This post is getting kinda depressing, isn't it? I think it's time to see the sunshine now.

Life is tough. And as we grow up, we learn new things and experience so many realizations, it would feel like a hard slap in the face. It's okay to feel down, we are all human. But time and time again, I always remind myself that even though my life sucks at the moment, the world won't stop revolving. Time waits for no one and I am the only one who can help myself stand up and begin living again.

Despite how much life has been tough for me for the past few days, weeks, months, I am thankful that I can find a reason to keep myself going...eventually. I was at my lowest last month but thankfully, someone fed the fire to my soul. I felt renewed. I felt the will to fight again and to continue fighting again.

For months, I thought I made the mistake of pursuing something I wanted. To take the risk of diving into the unknown and trust that hard work will pay off. I needed to re-evaluate my thoughts, on what I really wanted, on what my dream was, on what I'm aiming to happen in the future. I needed to re-establish the goals I set for myself and make them more possible to achieve. Most of all, I needed someone to tell me the hard truth to keep my sanity intact.

The battle isn't over but I will do my very best to not even think about giving up. I'm still fighting and I will continue fighting because this life I'm trying so hard to create isn't just for me. It's for my mom and dad who had doubts that I would make it living this kind of lifestyle. It's for my siblings who look up to me and who will follow in my footsteps and go after their dreams. It's for my would-be husband who can be proud of me and of what I have accomplished. Most of all, it's for myself as I continue to search for the ultimate fulfillment, satisfaction, and happiness this short life can give me...

So I say to myself, keep going;


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