The Random Bibliophile

by Renee Alexis

Renee Alexis
20-something Filipina, an introvert who loves young adult fiction, brush pens, Taylor Swift, and BTS. Coffee runs in my bloodstream.


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2023 Reading Challenge

2023 Reading Challenge
Renee Alexis has read 0 books toward her goal of 30 books.

Anecdotes 06 | Kahit Maputi na ang Buhok ko

There are times when I feel like my heart is torn right out of my chest. Times when that familiar ache resurfaces after seeing a photo of you or even just after seeing a photo of myself taken at that difficult time. I can see the struggle in my eyes as I wear that smile and pretended that everything was going to be okay. I remember swallowing the pride I had as I desperately clung to that last thread of hope.

The flashbacks come and the pain I thought was gone wasn't really gone at all but just hidden underneath the sheets I tried to cover up the pain with. It was such a struggle and I couldn't put it into words and you wouldn't understand it even if you tried to unless you've been there yourself.

I remember you told me once, "You know I still read your blog, right?" And that was said a few weeks after you broke up with me and me still chasing you. It sounded so distant like we were just old acquaintances who used to say hi and hello to each other. As if we didn't have a whole ass history behind us. As if nothing bad had just happened. As if everything was just casual between us. I never said anything about that matter because I was trying so hard to mend what I thought was fixable. But that memory... it still lingers in the back of my mind like it was yesterday.

I remember I was riding a bus going home at that moment. And I was fortunate enough to have a seat by the window so I could just face the road so nobody can see the tears streaming down my face. 

It was a sunny afternoon and I was wearing my earphones to block out the noise. I was listening to a sadder rendition of "Kahit Maputi na ang Buhok ko" by Moira. I don't think I've cried so much because of a song. The memories of what could have been flashed before my eyes, the future of what could have happened, the possibility of the future I imagined for us played in fast-forward only to end abruptly.

It was a bittersweet memory as I think about it now. Life truly is unpredictable. Life truly has a way of breaking you into a million little pieces until you don't have a choice but to pick those little pieces up and try to fix yourself up. Life is truly unfair and until now, I will never understand why people have to meet someone who will leave them eventually. x



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