The Random Bibliophile

by Renee Alexis

Renee Alexis
20-something Filipina, an introvert who loves young adult fiction, brush pens, Taylor Swift, and BTS. Coffee runs in my bloodstream.


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2023 Reading Challenge

2023 Reading Challenge
Renee Alexis has read 0 books toward her goal of 30 books.

An Abundance of Self Doubts

An Abundance of Self Doubts

It's been a while since I've been on a long drive, and usually, whenever I'm in one of those moments, I get into a trance where I'm just lost in deep thoughts. I miss long bus rides and just pondering through old memories and what-could-have-been's. 

The reason why I'm particularly writing this right now is because I have been having a series of turbulent outbursts of negative thoughts the past few days. And I've learned in the past that keeping all these things in would just mess me up even more. So tonight, I'm going to treat this space as an outlet for all these unfriendly introspections.

I've been swimming, once again, in a pool of insecurity, envy, pain, and self-scrutiny. I've been avoiding viewing social media feeds again. The feeling of being left out, of falling behind all these wonderful people who I've been in-stride with just made me feel small all the time. 

A lot of years went by, but I don't feel like I've gone somewhere I could proudly show off - in the sense that will amaze them. Of course, I'm proud of what I've done for myself. But that is different when even your parents can't say it out loud that I'm not the daughter they expected me to turn out to be. 

Making someone feel like they're a huge disappointment is something I never expected to feel from the very person who I have looked up to my whole life. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. 

And at this point, I feel like I won't amount to anything anymore even if I reach the peaks of my dreams. Because right now, the dreams I have for myself are far-fetched from the dreams they have created for me. Their expectations were just too much to bear and I thought I would have been used to it by now, but I was wrong. I fear all the achievements I will get will never be enough for them because I will never do the things they've expected me to.

I've been confident in choosing this path. I believe in myself that I can do what I want when I put my mind to it. And I have been doing it for almost 4 years now, yet, having so many people looking down at what I do can sometimes catch me off guard and shake my ground. 

This path I chose isn't easy. I know that. And sometimes, I do have a hard time keeping myself afloat. My being independent and being happy with the choice I made was slowly being tarnished with all the doubts people have and I'm slowly developing those doubts myself.

Sometimes, it's just exhausting to always be positive and see the good in things. So for today, allow me to wallow in these bitter thoughts. Allow me to release these pent up negative energies. I will wake up renewed again, soon. xx



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