The Random Bibliophile

by Renee Alexis

Renee Alexis
20-something Filipina, an introvert who loves young adult fiction, brush pens, Taylor Swift, and BTS. Coffee runs in my bloodstream.


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2023 Reading Challenge

2023 Reading Challenge
Renee Alexis has read 0 books toward her goal of 30 books.

Of Anxiety Attacks and Fighting to See the Sunshine Again

It's been years of battling my on-again, off-again anxiety and so far, this year is the worst. When it seems like I'm getting better, I'm there again spiraling down into that deep abyss of pain and darkness. It's mentally draining and emotionally exhausting, having to battle the unknown every day. I fear feeling happy now because I know that it won't last and that sometime later, I will be clutching the hollowness I feel in my chest again.

Most of my days are okay now, but there are days that I just feel really down. Down and sad and worst of all, I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by so many people. It's a very ugly feeling to be in. I feel like I'm drowning in endless sorrow and when I think that I've reached the surface, all I can do is just take in a shallow breath and I'm pulled back under again.

I've always thought of myself as some who's resilient and always able to adapt to where I'm put in. I am proud of that aspect of my life. But lately, I don't really feel like myself anymore. I've lost touch with my why's.

I used to have a lot of drive. I used to have a lot of aspirations. I make goals and plans and mentally list down things I wanted to achieve. Now, I'm a replica of my old self minus all the substance I used to have. It's sad. I'm sad. I'm still very sad. x


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